Stop Asking Me That Update

Last week, I shared the original link to my post Stop Asking Me That on Facebook since it showed up on the memories page that they have. I felt it was still relevant, and will be relevant for quite awhile until there is a cultural shift among us to cause the phenomenon to change, or ideally disappear completely.

When it was originally posted I got quite a bit of positive feedback on it. This time around was no different, I received feedback from several people thanking me for sharing it again. And especially for giving voice to their thoughts and feelings on the subject. And that, my friends, is one of the reason I go on what my husband calls "Jaq Rants". I know that I'm not the only one that feels the way I feel about these things, the only difference is I seem to be the one to get so fed up with them that I HAVE to say something.

Since the original post, I have gained some more insight into the subject and would like to share a bit of it. Hopefully, someone who read the original post and disagreed with it will gain some more perspective here and be more open minded to understanding why the subject of having children can be so sensitive and upsetting to people.

(At this point I am not going to repost the entire original post. You can read it here.)

"Each mention of babies or children is extremely painful to them. You can NEVER know if you are saying something to this person."

Yes. A million times yes.
Not only is bringing up the subject of "When are you going to have kids" or "Why don't you have kids yet" painful beyond description for these people, every day life is.
They can't drive past a park with children playing in it without pain.
They can't pass a school without pain.
Even going to church is painful, seeing families with babies and older children, even when the children are crying or misbehaving. These people want that so badly, and deeply, that they would take your misbehaving child on their worst day .
They go home at night and curl up in a ball and sob. They cry out to the Lord for a child, or if not, the strength to understand why they aren't blessed with children, or to endure life without receiving the deepest desire of their hearts.

And you aren't helping by talking about nothing but children around them. You are causing more pain and damage to them, especially as you ask and pressure them about having children of their own.

Why don't they just tell you? If you knew you wouldn't do that to them. Well, like I said before, because things like this are often deeply PRIVATE. These people are not going to walk around telling you that they can't have children and seeing you happy with yours causes them emotional pain so deep that it physically hurts.

"Some people don't want children. And that's fine because it's their choice. Did you hear that? It's their choice, not yours. Stop trying to guilt trip them into something they don't want, and don't pass judgement on them for following their path, not your interpretation of what their path should be."

Some feedback I received on this one was from a couple who have not yet decided if they are going to have children or not. They currently are leaning towards not having children. And every time they visit family they are asked about when they are going to start a family. They are told "We want grandkids, when is it going to happen?"

The subject is not brought up in a joking manner. These family members will not let the subject go until they have a timeline, for heaven's sake.

And this couple doesn't know how to tell the family that they don't want children at this point, and may never want children.

The thing is, it's the couple's choice and decision. Their families have NO BUSINESS pressuring them into it. Not having children is not selfish. It's not. It's responsible. Having worked the past year with extremely low income families, I can tell you honestly that I wish some of those parents had made the decision to not have their children. Children born to those who don't want them, or are on the fence about having children, are the ones that suffer. If you are mature enough to know that you don't want children, don't have them.

As for the rest of you, don't pressure these people into having children to satisfy your own selfish desires to be an aunt or grandpa or whatever. The children are the ones who will suffer the consequences of not being wanted by the two most important people in their life, their parents.

"I'm going to advocate a little for my generation here, some of us are not ready for children yet for various reasons."

We have watched you struggle. We have watched you make huge mistakes in life. And we see the looming consequences that you will not have to pay, but we WILL have to pay. You didn't always think things through, and left us with a mess to clean up. We are learning from your mistakes and trying our hardest to not repeat them.

We don't want that for our children. We would much rather start them off in a financially stable home. We would much rather they have two parents who love and support each other, or if we must that the single parent is well enough off that our children don't bear the brunt of poverty or neglect because mom or dad is exhausted from working all day just to keep food on the table.

We want our children to be healthy. And sometimes that means delaying having them because we need to make sure we are healthy;physically, mentally, and emotionally; before allowing children in our lives. We can identify when we aren't mature enough, or if we feel like we still need time to define ourselves before giving ourselves over entirely to a new human. We want to guide them, and love them, in the best possible way we can, and to do that we need to take a little more time to figure out who we are and who we want to become before we can help another human do the same thing.

Give us a break, we are trying to, and for the most part succeeding in, doing the right thing here.

Finally, I want to put it this way, brace yourselves for this because I really had to mentally prepare myself to put this in writing, even though I have said it a million times.

When you ask a couple when they are going to have a baby you are literally asking them if they are having sex. And that is most definitely none of your business. There were several occasions when I was asked when we were going to have a baby, and it took all I had to not say, "Well, that's a good question, and when is the last time you had sex with your spouse?"

If all of the above information has not gotten through to you, hopefully that last paragraph did. You don't want anyone knowing about your sex life, so stop asking them about theirs.

Deal With It

For most of my life I have worked with young children. From babysitting, to being nursery leader, to nannying, and currently as an aide at a preschool. I’m with children all the time. Every now and then a child teaches me a life lesson that really couldn’t be learned from an adult, because it is through the simplicity of having a three year old say something that an adult can’t say without sounding like they are trying to manipulate or criticize you.

A few weeks ago, I was helping some children get their rain boots on so they could go play on the muddy playground. They had already gone out earlier that day, and socks had gotten wet. One child in particular was struggling to get their boots on over their wet socks. The child fussed, and whined, and dropped the boot in frustration. I finally decided to let the child know their options.

“You can take off your wet socks and wear the boots without socks. Or you can just deal with it.”

(I know it sounds harsh… hang in there)

The child looked at me, heaved a heavy sigh for a three year old and said. “Ok. I’ll just deal with it.”

The child then put their rain boots on, and ran off to play on the playground. For the rest of the day, not a word of complaint or discomfort came from that child. They had made the decision to “Just deal with it” and stuck with it.

As I thought about this, a quote from Elder Jeffery R. Holland came to mind: “ No misfortune is so bad that whining about it won’t make it worse.” (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2007/04/the-tongue-of-angels?lang=eng)

As I related this incident to my dad (a freakin’ awesome guy, btw), we talked for a bit about this life lesson. As adults, and teens, and even children,  there is a tendency to put blame elsewhere; To complain, to whine, and to expend energy on not dealing with a situation and getting through it, but rather in complaining about it. In my dad's experience, those that can 'Deal with it' are those that are more successful in life. People want to be around them more, and they get more accomplished in life because they are not expending negative vibes, or wasting energy in complaining about what's going on around them. 

How can we as adults ‘just deal with it’ and in the process improve our lives? I know that for several people they use the month of November to focus on gratitude. They post daily on social media sites something they are grateful for. Unfortunately, quite a few people I know preface their ‘thankful’ post with a rant, complaint, or whine and follow it with “But I’m grateful for…”. While I think focusing on gratitude  is a good practice, I personally feel that if we can reduce the whining, complaining, and blaming in our daily lives we will automatically be more grateful. Because we aren’t drawing attention to the ‘negative’, we are just dealing with it and moving on.

And if we aren’t focusing on the negative, we are able to better see the blessings in our lives. So, whether you choose to post on social media what you are grateful for each day or not, please take a moment to ‘deal with it’, instead of complaining! 

My Personal Revelation is Just That

It’s mine. And it’s personal.

In recent months, I have gone through a lot of changes in my life. One thing that has come up repeatedly during this time has to do with the concept of personal revelation. Now, I already knew it was important, what I didn’t realize before is how hard it can sometimes be to stick with what you have received when those around you don’t fully accept your ability to receive and act upon personal revelation on a daily basis. It’s also hard to consider those people friends. 

Revelation is defined as “something revealed or disclosed, especially a striking disclosure,  as of something not before realized”. The dictionary further provides a definition in reference to theological usage of the term; “God’s disclosure of His will to His people”. 

 Personal means “private” or “intended for use by one person” (emphasis added).  

“Personal Revelation” means we, as children of God, have the ability to receive information about God’s will for our use as individuals.  We can receive information about ourselves and our lives directly from God, so we can use it. 

The 15^th president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Gordon B. Hinckley told us:

“This gospel is an intimate thing. It is not some distant concept. It is applicable in our lives. It can change our very natures.”

If the Gospel is intimate, shouldn’t we be earnestly seeking God’s will in our lives? We should be working hard to receive information about ourselves and what God would have us do. Recently, in General Conference, Elder Richard G Scott, a member of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles, said, “Be certain that every decision you make, whether temporal or spiritual, is conditioned on what the Savior would have you do.” Peace at Home, 2013

Later in that same session of General Conference, Elder Stanley G Ellis, a member of the Quorum of the 70, spoke about personal revelation (at least that’s what I’m going to relate it to, okay?):

“…thankfully, the Lord will guide us if we seek His confirmation.

"Another question is “Where are we needed?” For 16 years I served in the presidency of the Houston Texas North Stake. Many moved to our area during those years. We would often receive a phone call announcing someone moving in and asking which was the best ward. Only once in 16 years did I receive a call asking, “Which ward needs a good family? Where can we help?”

"In the early years of the Church, President Brigham Young and others would call members to go to a certain place to build up the Church there. The irony is that even now we have faithful Church members everywhere who would go anywhere the prophet asked them to go. Do we really expect President Monson to individually tell more than 14 million of us where our family is needed? The Lord’s way is that we hearken to our leaders’ teachings, understand correct principles, and govern ourselves.” The Lord's Way, 2013

Wow. So Heavenly Father wants us to make decisions based on what He needs and wants us to do. And we can know that through personal revelation?

Uh, yeah. That’s exactly it.  The hymn “I’ll Go Where You Want Me to Go” comes to mind (LDS hymnal, 270), “I’ll go where you want me to go. I’ll say what you want me to say. I’ll be what you want me to be.”

Which leads me to one more thing, people around you are receiving personal revelation on what they should be doing and the manner in which they should be doing it. Do Not Question them. It’s their revelation, it’s God’s will for them and they need to do it, this way the ‘Smite Button’ doesn’t get pressed. 

Because Personal Revelation is Personal, there are some things to remember when dealing with it. 

  1."Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.”  3 Nephi 14:6 

Just because it’s not your personal revelation doesn’t mean you have to know what it was and how it happened. You won’t get it, and more often than not you will ‘trample under your feet’ the very precious things that another has received. 

Personally, in my recent experiences, I have had several people do just this. I have kept my personal revelation to myself for the most part. I usually just say something vague, along the lines of, “I’m doing what I’m supposed to be doing” or "I'm following the Spirit". Unfortunately people have been making comments and jokes that degrade me, and allude to the idea that I am wrong in my decision. It wasn’t my decision to do it, it was Heavenly Father’s decision to have me do it.  

Please, please, please, don’t be the person that tramples another person under their feet, even if you are ‘just joking’.  That’s not how Heavenly Father wants us to treat each other. 

    2. Further , Elder Boyd K Packer, another member of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles has told us:

 “I have learned that strong, impressive spiritual experiences do not come to us very frequently. And when they do, they are generally for our own edification, instruction, or correction. Unless we are called by proper authority to do so, they do not position us to counsel or correct others.

“I have come to believe also that it is not wise to continually talk of unusual spiritual experiences. They are to be guarded with care and shared only when the Spirit itself prompts you to use them to the blessing of others.”  (Ensign, Jan 1983, emphasis added).

Just because someone won’t tell you the reasons behind their actions doesn’t mean they haven’t had a confirmation of the Spirit that they are acting in accordance with God’s will for them.  They are only protecting themselves from being trampled and rent, as well as showing Heavenly Father that He can trust them to keep sacred things sacred, which is an important eternal principle.

       

      3.   Lastly, Elder Richard G Scott tells us, “When it is for the Lord’s purposes, He can bring anything to our remembrance. That should not weaken our determination to record impressions of the Spirit. Inspiration carefully recorded shows God that His communications are sacred to us. Recording will also enhance our ability to recall revelation. Such recording of direction of the Spirit should be protected from loss or intrusion by others.” How to Obtain Revelation and Inspiration for Your Personal Live, 2012  (Emphasis added). 

Like I said before, when we record, remember, and protect sacred revelations, we show Heavenly Father that we trust Him, we respect Him, and He can trust us.  Don’t be nosy, you may cause someone to unfairly lose their ability to have Heavenly Father trust them, because you coerced them to share a sacred experience or personal revelation.

Now, before I finish up, I’m going to clarify. This is all in regards to PERSONAL REVELATION. I know some of you may want to bring up another teaching in the church. President Thomas S. Monson, current President of the Church and Prophet said:

“Regarding one’s testimony, remember that which one willing shares he keeps, while that which he selfishly keeps he loses.”  Pathways to Perfection [1973] 100-101

I agree that testimony should be shared in the proper way at the proper times. But personal revelation is something that is not to be shared in the same manner, if it is shared at all.

 Remember, my personal revelation is just that. It’s mine and it’s personal.

Haircut Woes

I have fabulous hair. I know, that sounds stuck up, prideful, whatever you want to call it. But I do. While I was blessed with great genes in many respects, I feel I really hit the jackpot with the hair. I have the Taysom hair. It’s straight and super thick. 

But we have a love-hate relationship. I love that I have such great hair, but I rarely feel like it’s obeying me. It drives me nuts. I know it’s time to cut it when it becomes nearly intolerable, or I look like a homeless person when I look in the mirror at the end of the day. 

 It’s beautiful hair, but there’s a lot of it. To give you a better idea, I blow dry it about ten minutes before I give up (and yes, it is give up). That’s enough to get the front mostly dry, and the rest to stop dripping water.

I had gotten to the point that it was driving me nuts. So I asked around and got recommendations for hairdressers in my area. One name came up repeatedly so I made an appointment.  I had some expectations here, due to me being a bit picky about my hair even though I’m usually frustrated by it.

There were warning signs. First the hairdresser did not ask me about my hair care routine. I don’t use product on my hair, I rarely use things like the flat iron or curling iron. I wash and go, there is no such thing as styling in my life.  Second, I gave one criteria for the cut, that a certain length be taken off of it. Third, she took me to wash my hair and left me multiple times, with my head in the sink, shampoo in the hair, to talk with another employee and coo over a baby. 

We talked a little more about what she would do with my hair. Granted I usually leave the haircut pretty open ended, a hairdresser should know what would look good or not with my hair, it’s what they are paid to do after all. She commented on how much hair I had, which is a normal occurrence when I get my hair done. But it usually happens at what I know to be the halfway point in the haircut, not at the beginning, even though I warn the hairdressers.  She mentioned something about taking some of it off, which I smiled and said ‘yes’ to because I had asked her to take a certain amount off.

She started cutting. I noticed that she didn’t cut off nearly as much as I had asked her to, but decided to go with it. She put in some layers, a lot more than I usually get, but she was the professional and I figured it would look good. Besides it’s only hair. Then she pulled out the thinning scissors. I knew what they were because I had them used on my hair before. Minimally. This lady went to town. I could tell she was going farther than I wanted or expected. I knew she was doing too much. But I didn’t say anything, because she’s the professional, and knew what she was doing.  When all was said and done, I felt like I had chopped my hair off, even though it was basically the same length that we had started out with. 

I can wrap the ponytail holder around three times now. It’s usually a struggle to get it around twice, and three times is a guaranteed migraine. I got home and all I could think was:

That lady stole all of my beautiful hair! 

But there’s nothing I can do about it, it’s over. I just have to do what you do when you get a ‘bad’ haircut, wait for it to grow back. Now, my haircut looks great, and no one would even know the difference in the thickness of my hair except for me. But it still happened, and I know it happened.

So we come to the point where I try to glean a life lesson out of this experience. 

First off, I learned that you should always be sure to know what the other person in a situation expects and wants. A lot of  the jobs I’ve held hinge on my ability to connect with and understand the people I work with. I need to know their personalities, expectations, and values.  This way I can be sure to get them what they need and want out of the experience.  This hairdresser kind of did this, but not enough to know not to plaster me with hairspray and steal all my hair. 

Second, warning signs were there from the beginning. I let them slide. I now have no hair. 

Third, I didn’t speak up when I should have. I just let things be until it was too late. Now I have to wait for things to straighten themselves out again. 

Fourth, she came highly recommended. Everyone who used her loves her. I trusted them ( and I still trust them) but I didn't do enough research of my own to make the decision. The warning signs were there, but I let them slide because everyone else seemed to love her so much. 

This can be applied to lots of things, like picking the right friends, sinning (yes I had to mention it), and things like relationships. (On this last one Gavin deBecker wrote a book called “The Gift of Fear” all about this type of thing). 

But, like most experiences in life, this happened the way it happened for a reason.  I had told myself I would wait to cut my hair until after I knew what I was doing for the summer. But, couldn’t wait because it was driving me nuts. The fact that the hairdresser did not take off as much as I wanted it good, because I’m still unsure what I will be doing this summer, and if I end up doing one option, I want my hair longer.  It wouldn’t be there if she had done what I asked her to. As for the thinning, well, it just is what it is. When it grows back it will be my natural color, which is something I’ve been trying to get it to be for over a year now (It’s too expensive to keep up with the coloring). I figured if I kept cutting it off bit by bit, it would be fine. But, thinning, with all the hair she took, that hair growing back will get me a lot closer to that desire. 

So, next time you go to the hairdresser, beware. 

And maybe remember these ‘life lessons’ next time you have a decision to make. If that will help you, you know. 

If I were to try to curl my hair now, it would probably look really good.